Cthulhu is Bullshit

Cthulhu is a giant horrible squid head basterd who lives at the bootom of the sea bothering troubled writers and estranged brothers. He looks like this;

He's also probably the least threatening monster every to be overhyped and turned into an internet meme. But Nems you charismatic stallion who steals "audeence talks to entertainer within his own section as though they are really there" jokes from old 50s comedians, Cthulhu is scary as heck, he can send you mad and hes really tall and Cthulhu flatagnag'r'ythel;yehjl'thyel', I hear you cry. Well no, no he is not, I can tell you this because I am without a doubt better than you. So you should listen to me. All 2 of you who read this get strapped in. I'm going to be all "Negative critic" because everyone on the internet likes those!

First off, the big C is asleep. This renders him significantly less terrifiying. He isnt just napping either, hes asleep iuntil "the stars are right" meaning hes asleep for fucking ever. The various books he is in say he can control minds and send everyone in earth mad within seconds, except he cant because he is underwater.

Now, I'm a pretty forgiving reader, so long as it seems to make sense within a setting, I can accept that. However, Cthulhu is a fucking squid monster. Look at him, go on, scroll up and look at him. He has tenticles for a mouth and big googly eyes and fins and he commands an army of fish people. And his powers dont work underwater too well, oh thats fantastic Cthulhu, You're striking fear into me already, what with your usless mind powers and wings (why does a God need wings anyway?)

Next up, Hes a preist. I'm not insulting any priests reading this (though I would wonder why they are. but then I wonder why anyone would be reading this) by saying it is not the most terrifying profession. I am not scared by priests. But Lovecraft chose to make Cthulhu, the big demon squid monster from outerspace who lives in atlantis and will be what he was remembered for, a priest. I'm just not feeling it.

In door number 3, and probably the biggest killer of C's ability to scare me, Every single time he shows up in any of the books (by lovecraft) he dies. I mean he doesnt DIE, no he has godmode on, but someone makes him go back to bed.in his first apperiance (Call of Cthulhu) he makes a boat captain go nuts and sends a writer slightly upset. The writer responds by driving a fucking boat through his big head. God DAMN a fucking BOAT, I'd like to take a minute here and say how god damn badass metal fucking balls to the walls nuts you have to be to see THIS.

 And then drive your fucking steam paddle boat pile of shit through its head. I mean come the fuck ON. This guy should be making action movies or some shit

 C's head explodes and slowly starts forming back, but not before Writer and Loony Captain make good on their escape. Then C decided he didnt want to burn the world that day and goes down for another nap. Now see, heres the real problem I have with Cthulhu. He gets stopped by an author driving a boat through he head. A boat from the 1920s or something, imagine for a second this giant beast turns up on earth now. I can not see it making much headway (badumtish) before the military fire some missiles at it or they send in some demo experts or the writer guy drives an ironclad into him or they send in bruce willis with that guy from the green mile. I can not, in good faith, be scared of a monster that can be completly rendered usless and helpless by an inept and soon to kill himself writer driving a wooden steamboat through his head for these reasons.

Last of all, I ran a DnD Campaign where the dwarf killed him by teleporting inside of him and casting a spell that made him grow 200 feet tall. That pretty much robbed me of all fear I could ever possibly have of demonic squid men living in a pineapple at the bottom of the sea.

-Nems