The Worst Superheroes

Recently I've started to read comic books. I've always loved me some comic characters but never really read them. I started with some more niche ones and have slowly moved into more mainstream ones like Batman, Superman, Spiderman and Alfred Zimmerman (the last one is an exciting romp through the reign of Alfred R Zimmerman, Mayor of Rotterdam during WW1.).I've noticed two things about comics. The first is comic book artists can be much much worse than your usual artists. I'm talking utterly utterly shit. The worst are guest artists, which I assume is Comic Book code for "Korean Outsourced Artists". Its a shame because a book I follow (one I think is pretty aces) constantly has a "guest artist" and it does horrible things to the characters, like Tumor Face-man up there. Poor guy.

The second thing, which the article will be about, is that some superheroes are so so shit. Either in their uselessness or otherwise, there are just hordes of horrible useless saps who float around doing whatevs. So many of them Marvel had to get rid of a ton of them a while back with the House of M storyline, which saw the depowering of such incredible mutants as;
  • Hanna Levy (Power: Had a second tongue)
  • DJ (The most flirty Mutant!)
  • And Bugman (Like The Tick but naff)
God just reading about those fucks I stumbled over 10 more who still have their "incredible" powers. These worthless fucks are everywhere. Now I'm not complaining that a superhero comic has superheros coming out of every orifice, thats normal. Its like heavy metal bands have skulls and shit on every surface avalable. Thats cool. I can dig it.

What I AM complaining about is how 99% of all of these "heroes" are so inescapably awful that I'm fairly certain your average New Yorker has more special powers than these guys.

The worst superheroes however arnt the bad ones. Those guys are just unfortunate. I'm gonna go over 2 of the worst characters in the industry. (more accurately, I'm gonna go over 2 of the most popular and shit characters).

First up is Deadpool. Deadpool is really really shit. Let me start by saying he was good for a very brief period a couple years ago. He had a story arc where he tried to be a hero but failed horribly, much to his own displeasure. It built character, made him more than the WACKY NUTTY MERC WIDDA MOOF, he was even, dare I say, funny back then too. These days hes in every single comic book fighting off monkeys in waist coats. (yes really. upcoming comic he teams up with Spiderman to fight a monkey in a suit)

I'm not a complete cunt, Deadpool CAN be kinda funny, sometimes. But at this point hes a played out joke, old and tattered and overexposed like a 75 year old flasher. Somehow he keeps getting attention. I really don't know why? Maybe its because he's pretty accessable for people who don't usually read comics? Hes this witty fast talking mercenary for hire who will kill anyone. He threatens to kill whoever he wants and everyone treats him like a gigantic badass, even when he just seems like a prick. nevermind, I digress. Deadpool has shitty powers, shitty humour, shitty plots and shitty art. Fuck Deadpool.

Next up is Superman. Superman is shit in the sense that he is the catch all hero that is invunerable to everything and has any power he fucking wants. Superman is so hardcore even his one weakness doesnt hurt him all that much these days. Superman can burn through the earth with his eyes, fly faster than light, punch through the sun and breath fire and take a nuke to the chest without flinching. If he wanted to he'd be able to stop every single super villian in the world with a flick of his wrist.So wheres the drama?

How am I supposed to feel worried for Supes' life when I know the one time he died he gained Super-Jesus Resurection Powers, came back and killed the monster thats' whole gimmick was "if you kill me, I adapt and you cant kill me again". 3 times.

This in turn makes most DC comics kinda let down, cause you know no matter how bad the big bad is, Supes could take him, no problem. It aint no thing for superman.

There's tons more. The Green Lantern for one used to be allergic to Yellow. How the fuck do you get through life like that? poor fuckers worst enemy was Mustard.

In closing, Read Transmetropoliton and then stop reading comics forever

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